HOW MANY CHURCH MEMBERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulbs, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormon: At least four. Because of the importance of family, everyone needs to join in, including mom, dad, sister and brothers.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb traditions, including candescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-line and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. Church lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Jewish: Who needs bulbs? God said, "Let there be light."

Marriage and The Common Cold

This is just too good not to share! And having recently celebrated our 55th anniversary, I can REALLY relate!!

This is how a typical husband responds when his wife comes down with a common cold--

IN THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE:

"Darling, I'm worried about my baby girl. You've got a bad sniffle, and there's no telling about these things with all the terrible viruses going around nowadays. I've called the emergency doctor, and I have called your mother. She is coming to help with the cooking and cleaning."

IN THE SECOND YEAR OF MARRIAGE:

"Listen, darling. I don't like the sound of that cough. I've made an appointment with the doctor. Now, you go to bed like a good girl, and I'll take care of everything".

IN THE THIRD YEAR:

"Maybe you'd better lie down, darling. Nothing like a little rest when you're feeling lousy. I'll bring you something. Do we have some canned soup?"

IN THE FOURTH YEAR:

"Now look dear. Be sensible. After you feed the kids, and mop the floor, you'd better get some rest."

IN THE FIFTH YEAR:

"Why don't you take a couple of aspirin?"

IN THE SIXTH YEAR:

"If you'd just gargle or something, instead of barking like a seal all night..."

IN THE SEVENTH YEAR:

"For Pete's sake. Stop sneezing! What are you trying to do--give me

pneumonia?"

Long time no see--Life Happens Blog!

Because of limited use of my hands, I see it has been some time since I wrote in this blog. My journey to rebuild one arthritic hand is about over. About all I gained is I can straighten my left hand a

little better and the fingers aren't as droopy. But the pain is still there. However, with my new computer it is easier to type with limited finger-use.

This is from one of my columns back in 2008 from The Hometown Journal. Enjoy!

REGULATIONS!

In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again,the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing, along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard--but no Ark! "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah,"but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkling system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Building Department Appeal Board for a decision. Then, the Department of Transportation, demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls--but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then, the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No" said the Lord. "The government beat me to it.".

Additional information to the sad tale of 6 year old elapsed driver's license and more

I wanted to keep you in the know with my problems with my driver's license and Social Security
card both being found to be useless. As you will remember my sad tale from my last posting, all
of the FUN started because I was going to have surgery and was advised they would require a
photo ID before they would do surgery.
When I proudly submitted my brand-new, legal driver's license, the lady at the surgery center, barely gave it a glance as she made a copy and handed it back to me. I thought with all of the problems getting that photo ID, she could have at least admired it for a moment.
Another interesting thing happened when I returned to the Social Security office with proof in hand that I really AM Donna Uebinger, I asked the man in charge why he refused to accept my birth certificate as proof I am who I SAY I am, said that only proves I was born--it doesn't prove
I am still alive!
Getting my birth certificate was quite a task back when Jim and I got married and my parents realized they didn't have my birth certificate as it was burned up in a small fire at the Court House in Fairfield--but that's a story for another time--when I can type with 2 hands.

Now the story can be told!

It all started out innocently enough. I went to see Dr. Naam about having reconstructive surgery done
on my poor old arthritic hand. We scheduled it for May 5. As we left his office, the nurse commented that I needed a photo ID the day of the surgery.
When I got home I pulled out my driver's license and told Jim that the person in the picture on the license didn't even look like me (I had dyed hair, big glasses and tipped the scales a few (?) pounds lighter. One day, I told Jim to run me by the DMV office and I would have a new picture taken and change the address on my license to the address I have lived at for 13+ years. Yes, I
know!!!
While we were waiting in line for someone to help me, I happened to glance down at my driver's license and stamped on it were these words: "Expiration date 2005!"
Well, when the DMV guy was told this, I thought he might be having a heart attack. He did tell me
I had set a new record. The old record was a woman who had an expired license 5 years old.
He informed me I had to start over--read the Rules of the Road book; take a written test, have an eye exam and drive. A few days later, after having reviewed the booklet, I went back to the
driver's license office, prepared to take the written test.
When the worker asked me for an ID, I was prepared, except for one little thing. She said she
needed to see my Social Security card. Guess what!!! I had lost that card! I was told I couldn't get a driver's license without a Social Security card.
I contacted the national Social Security office and they told me my birth certificate wasn't going to work--they needed an Illinois driver's license (valid driver's license, they stressed). Well,
if that wasn't a big fat mess. I couldn't get my new driver's license without a Social Security card
and couldn't get a Social Security card without a valid Driver's license.
I kept trying to find a type of ID that the SSA would accept. Finally, we drove to Effingham
to the regional office and I explained my dilemma to the gentleman there. He said there was
a solution. If I had a doctor's print-out of where I had seen a doctor, with my date of birth on it
and my Social Security number printed on it--that would work.
I had just seen Dr. Bonutti a few weeks earlier, so we scooted over to Dr. Bonutti's office--his nurse gave me a copy of my last appointment print-out, we took it back to the SS office
and it worked.
I got the Social Security card in the mail within a week and a half and yesterday took and
passed my driver's test, SO I AM LEGAL AGAIN!
We tried to piece together how I could have had an expired license for so many years. We decided that I must have failed to notify the State of Illinois when we moved from the country
to town (around 13 years ago). I had not been in the Driver's License facility for years because
I had a good driving record and all I had to do was order my new license by mail. Luckily,
I had never been pulled over by a policeman who asked to see my license, and it had been
so long, I was not even in the data base in Springfield. They must have assumed I was dead!
So take my advice, and once in a while be sure your driver's license is current; and that you
have a Social Security CARD!

A strange trip to the Land of OZ.

Did you ever find yourself in a situation where you begin to question your sanity? Jim and I went through that recently--at a doctor's office.
A few years ago I developed a nasty disease called "lymphedema". This is what happens when something goes haywire with your immune system. You can have lymphedema in various parts
of your body--mine was in my arms and hands. Strangely, many doctors don't know much
about the disease and just kind of push you on to another doctor to deal with it.
Jim had to wrap both arms and hands every day--and I was only allowed 1 hour out of the wraps
in each 24 hour period--in order to take a shower.
The wrapping causes pressure to be put on the swelling and attempts to trick the immune system
to start working again. In the midst of this, all at once 2 fingers on my left hand began to "dangle". The doctor said arthritis had eaten through the tendons on that hand. My regular doctor suggested I see Dr. Naam, who is known in these parts as the "hand doctor". We thought Dr. Naam could tie the tendons up so I would have some use of that hand. At the time I was
playing the organ at church and although it was easier to play the organ at that point than the piano (I could slid my fingers on the organ and somewhat hit the right notes), it was still
difficult to do daily tasks around the house with 3 fingers working.
I went to Dr. Naam and he agreed to do the surgery on that hand and we had a time set and everything. Only a day before, however, he called me and said that he had consulted with
doctors across the country and they had advised him it was too dangerous to do any surgery,
as they were afraid the hand might get infected and the infection would spread all over my body.
So, I forgot about surgery and went about my business. Then, I ended up with 1 dangling finger on the right hand. In time, both hands began to draw up and kind of form a "cup". I
can't straighten them out, so my doctor said it was time to talk to Dr. Naam again.
When Dr. Naam came into the office that day he said, "Well, did you have surgery?" Jim and I
looked at each other in confusion. I told the doctor that I had not had surgery because he
backed out of doing it. He argued with me and said another doctor had sent me to him and
the other doctor was going to do the surgery. Finally, Dr. Naam spotted 2 sticky notes
on the inside of my file and they must have explained what had transpired the other time,
so he ended up apologizing for the misunderstanding.
To make a long story short--I am scheduled to have surgery on May 5, to be done by Dr. Naam
to try to correct the cupping on my left hand. If it works, I will have the right hand done later.
Later on this blog, I will tell you about how the visit to Dr. Naam turned into a strange turn of events. I want to make sure everything works out before I talk about--afraid talking about it
prematurely might jinx it. Stay tuned!

Dr. Peter Bonutti

If you live anywhere close to Effingham, IL, you are certain to have heard of Dr. Peter Bonutti. He is an orthopedic doctor and has a thriving clinic in Effingham. I met him several years ago after having two knees replacements put in at the Vincennes Hospital, and one of them didn't work right after it was done. The doctor who did the surgery knew something was terribly wrong, and reacted in a rather unusual way--he was very rude to me. I ended up at Dr. Bonutti's office and he did another knee replacement. I always like to see the looks on people's faces when I tell them I have had 3 knee replacements--and two shoulder replacements, too. I hadn't seen Dr. Bonutti in several years, but began to have difficulty in walking and went to see if everything was o.k. with the knee replacements. X-rays showed them to be pretty much intact with the exception of some plastic shredding (whatever that means)! The doctor decided my walking problem was probably caused by an arthritic back. When I was in Bonutti's office, I asked him if he remembered his comment to me about my nose. He didn't. One time I said to the doctor, "You know you have replaced nearly everything in my body that can be replaced. There is surely nothing left to change." Without missing a beat, he got right up in my face and said, "Well, I can always work on that nose of yours!" For the people who don't know me, I inherited the LEE nose! The LEE nose looks like a clown's nose, except it isn't bright red--well, maybe it is on occasion! Dr. Bonutti's nurse couldn't believe he had said that to me, but I reminded him he was much younger then and sillier. We all had a good laugh. Rumor has it that this silly doctor has invented several orthopedic devices and methods to install them. I don't know if this is true, but he is one heck of a good doctor--even if he did make fun of my nose!