HOW MANY CHURCH MEMBERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulbs, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormon: At least four. Because of the importance of family, everyone needs to join in, including mom, dad, sister and brothers.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb traditions, including candescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-line and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. Church lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Jewish: Who needs bulbs? God said, "Let there be light."

Marriage and The Common Cold

This is just too good not to share! And having recently celebrated our 55th anniversary, I can REALLY relate!!

This is how a typical husband responds when his wife comes down with a common cold--

IN THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE:

"Darling, I'm worried about my baby girl. You've got a bad sniffle, and there's no telling about these things with all the terrible viruses going around nowadays. I've called the emergency doctor, and I have called your mother. She is coming to help with the cooking and cleaning."

IN THE SECOND YEAR OF MARRIAGE:

"Listen, darling. I don't like the sound of that cough. I've made an appointment with the doctor. Now, you go to bed like a good girl, and I'll take care of everything".

IN THE THIRD YEAR:

"Maybe you'd better lie down, darling. Nothing like a little rest when you're feeling lousy. I'll bring you something. Do we have some canned soup?"

IN THE FOURTH YEAR:

"Now look dear. Be sensible. After you feed the kids, and mop the floor, you'd better get some rest."

IN THE FIFTH YEAR:

"Why don't you take a couple of aspirin?"

IN THE SIXTH YEAR:

"If you'd just gargle or something, instead of barking like a seal all night..."

IN THE SEVENTH YEAR:

"For Pete's sake. Stop sneezing! What are you trying to do--give me

pneumonia?"