Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulbs, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormon: At least four. Because of the importance of family, everyone needs to join in, including mom, dad, sister and brothers.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb traditions, including candescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-line and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. Church lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Jewish: Who needs bulbs? God said, "Let there be light."
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