The Secret's in the Mail

This was originally published in the Hometown Journal on 2/22/06; repeated on 3/23/10 and
then used in one of Uebinger's Furniture Company's monthly e-mail newsletters, so some of
you may be sick and tired of this--but for the ones who have never read it--I hope you enjoy it!

My new year started off well. I received the new Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail. My mail carrier can vouch for the fact that I receive dozens and dozens of catalogs every month, but I do not recall ever receiving a VS!
At first I thought the address label probably said, "Occupant," but when I checked, my name was written right there--where everyone could see it. That means they must feel I am worthy of perusing those hallowed pages. This kind of confuses me, though, because I tend to blush at the Victoria's Secret TV commercials, and here those women are up close and personal.
One item that caught my eye in the catalog was something called a "VS Uplift." Now, I am always interested in anything that lifts body parts up. It assured me that there is a built-in back panel in some of their jeans that lifts from the inside, yet is completely invisible from the outside and the carefully engineered seams contour and shape. It would certainly take more than a
"built-in back panel" to lift my derriere, but it is a nice thought.
I then turned to the lingerie section and the first thing I spied was something called a "sheer & lacy babydoll" (blush, blush!) Then I found the Very Sexy Push-up Bra Section (their words--not mine.) Ah, yes, they certainly do push up and some of them apparently push up without padding! Now, isn't that a kicker? (blush, blush, blush!) The panty portion of the catalog came up next. They had something called an "extreme bikini," an "extreme string bikini," and an
"extreme v-string panty. (Extreme blush!)
Do you remember in the old cowboy western movies where the cowboys would saunter around with their thumbs hooked in the waist of their pants? Well, some of the models in this book had their thumbs hooked in the waist of thse panties, and believe me, the thumbs were wider than the panties!
This was certainly an enlightening experience for me, but I must hurry and hide this catalog before Jim sees it. That old guy's ticker might kick into overdrive, and frankly I don't think he can handle that!
One thing that surprised me was the lack of leather goods in the Victoria's Secret apparel. I guess since they like the "peeky boo" aspect, it would be hard to peek, or boo either for that matter, in leather togs.
And speaking of leather, my brother, Bob, sent me ths via e-mail:
When a woman wears leather clothing...
A man's heart beats quicker
His throat gets dry.
He goes weak in the knees.
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK!